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Revelations Theatre 3000
FIGHTING ABSURDITY WITH ABSURDITY
2
SIX OF SEVEN SEALS
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REV 4:1
2 The Son of Man shows John heaven. It gets fairly psychedelic. John sees a throne in heaven, the guy sitting in it is glowing like gemstones, there's a brilliant emerald ring. There's twenty-four elders surrounding it in their own thrones.... seven lamp stands.... lightning....
2 At center, though, there are four living beings. They are covered with eyeballs, each have six wings (covered too with eyeballs) and they kind of resemble other animals: lion, ox, man, eagle.
That's normal.
3 As shown to John: day after day, night after night, the creatures repeat,
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty (edited for time.)"
4 Once said, every time it's said (which is all the time), the elders fall down and worship. They lay their crowns before the throne and say, "You are worthy (edited for time.)"
This is repeated again... and again... and again....
O...C...D...
Gee, doesn't heaven sound fun?
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REV 5:6
3 In heaven there's a scroll with seven seals. Yet no one in heaven is worthy to open it. This makes John weep, because how can we kill all the heathens now?
But there is one who can: a lamb who died but now stands. A lamb with seven eyes and seven horns.... 2 Yes, in heaven, Jesus is a seven-eyed, seven-horned... flying purple people eater. And I'm barely joking. That scroll ain't no grocery list.
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First four seals or... FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!!
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3 The first four seals are for the FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!! So one broken seal brings one horseman. Four broken seals equals FOUR
HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!!
4 Now the FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!! are referred, as I've heard, as Death, War, Pestilence and Famine. This is probably based off the last sentence of REV 6:8, "They were given the authority over one-fourth of the earth, to kill with the sword and famine and disease (death) and wild animals."
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5 The Fourth Horseman (Death) is pretty obvious. He's death: who is followed around by the Grave (Hades.)
Death/disease.
Simple.
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6 The Second Horseman is given authority to remove peace from the earth and there was war and slaughter everywhere.
War.
Fine.
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7 The First Horseman is a little harder to gauge. He carries a bow. He's crowned and sent off to win many battles and gain the victory. That's it.
8 Umm... War! The Sword! Sure, "the sword" is the first listed and this is the first horseman. What about the second horseman? Wild Animals? We go to war with the animals? Maybe Elton John's "Circle of Life" becomes "Kill All Humans."
9 Point is, Second Horseman brings war. First Horseman brings the sword... even though he has a bow. Fourth is Death/Disease, Second is War (maybe wild animals), First is... War. It kind of works.
But that's just being knit-picky.
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10 Let's talk about The Third Horseman... This is how it reads.
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"When the Lamb broke the third seal, I heard the third living being say,
'Come!' And I looked up and saw a black horse, and its rider was holding a pair of scales in his hand. And a voice from among the four living beings said, 'A loaf of wheat bread or three loaves of barley for a day's pay. And don't waste the olive oil and wine.'" (REV 6:5)
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11 Famine? They... they are talking about food. This means we should all stock up on olive oil and wine. Because, during a famine, you can never have enough grease and booze!
Your guess is as good as mine.
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12 And I know a lot's been said about the "Third Horseman." Here's my idea...
theory even....
13 What if, during John's "vision," some dude walked in and mentioned the above quoted to say... another dude. Maybe John wasn't alone when he had his "vision."
Maybe he had roommates. But it is possible that John's "vision" while assisted by certain... worldly aids... was also indirectly influenced by mundane conversation.
For example and fun, let's modernize the verse.
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14 "And I looked up and saw a black horse, and its rider was holding a pair of scales in his hand. And a voice from among the four living beings said, 'Two large pizzas with toppings. That's twenty-two fifty. Careful... The box is wet.'"
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15 It's still about food... even economics. And there's a warning! Thou
shalt be wary of thy greasy pizza box.
But, hey, it isn't the word of God.
Or is it?
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REV 6:9
4 The Fifth seal's broken and all the dead Christians scream for vengeance against the world. Cause Christians are so forgiving.
2 Now the sixth seal. This is where all the classic stuff happens. First and always: a great earthquake. There's always an earthquake. Sun turns black. Moon turns red. The sky falls. (REV 6:12-13)
3 Just remember this. The sky's taken away and the all people have to go hide in caves and live underground. 4 In addition, it makes all the mountains and islands disappear. (REV 6:13-15) 5 Four angels show and stop the four winds: no wind on the earth. (REV 7:1)
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6 Let's tally: no ozone, no atmosphere, decimated by meteors, the land's been leveled.
7 What next? An angel saying this,
8 "Wait! Don't hurt the land or the sea or the trees..."
9 Better late than never...
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"Until..."
10 I'm pretty positive that this is the rapture part... or tribulation.
The angel says, "until we have placed the seal of God on the foreheads of his servants."
11 "I heard how many were marked with the seal of God. There were 144,000 who were sealed from the all the tribes of Israel." (REV 7:4)
12 "After this I saw a vast crowd, too great to count (144,000)" standing before the Lamb. 13 The people, of all sorts, are clothed in white, holding palm branches and shouting praises to God. (REV 7:9) (Or &:( the face of the all sinister sad Fonzy.)
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14 John is told who the people are and, well, something mundane and unattended is divulged. 15 These people are, indeed, from the great tribulation, robes washed in the blood of the lamb, who now live with "he who sits on the throne." 16 The paradise they receive is very specific, however.
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17 They will never again go hungry and "be fully protected from the noontime heat." He will lead them to the springs of life-giving water. (REV 7:16)
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18 Now, I don't know if John is writing this out of his own passions or just repeating a standard. Doesn't matter. At some point, someone pictured heaven as this.
19 It puts into light the desperation that invented this heaven. Food and water readily available, air-conditioning, plus so much more: the average American life trumps this view of heaven. 20 Not to belittle a single word. Just keep in mind, as the Bible develops, that at least some of its authors considered mere survival as heaven.
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Let me digress here....
Ever hear, "There are no atheists in trenches?" It's a weathered statement that's been repeated to me on several occasions. I've also heard lesser-known versions like, "You won't find any atheists in a cancer ward."
This is all true. Suffering, facing eminent death: people would pray to Barney if they thought it would help. In fact, ever notice that our strongest religions came from hostile environments? Ever wonder why the common view of a "holy land" is a desert?
In a nutshell, desperate times make reality out of wishes.
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