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Revelations Theatre 3000
FIGHTING ABSURDITY WITH ABSURDITY
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THE SEVEN TRUMPETS
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REV 8:1
(*:! or "Holy Shit!" for conspiracy lovers.)
5 The seven-eyed, seven-horned Lamb opens the seventh seal. Seven angels with seven trumpets appear. (Cause Heaven loves seven. Being one better than six...) Another angel takes an incense burner. 2 He lights it and, since everything in heaven is a weapon, throws the burning burner upon the earth. "Thunder crashed, lightning flashed, and there was a terrible earthquake."
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The First Four Trumpets!
3 Trumpet #1: Sets one-third of the earth on fire, destroying one-third of the trees and all the grass. (Which is okay, because there is no ozone to sustain them anyhow. ME 4:3)
4 Trumpet #2: Throws a great mountain into the sea. One-third of the sea becomes blood. One-third of all sea life dies. And one-third of all ships are destroyed. (Which is okay because we're all living in caves by now. ME 4:3)
5 Trumpet #3: Great flaming star hits the earth. It poisons one-third of the streams and rivers.
6 Trumpet #4: Strikes one-third of sun, moon and stars, making them dark. One-third of day and night became dark. (Again okay, sun was all black already. So the day was already dark. ME 4:2 But hey, maybe the last black out was temporary.)
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Now the cheerleader....
7 John sees an eagle crying loudly, "Terror, terror, terror to all who belong to this world because of what will happen when the last three angels blow their trumpets."
We call that a hook.
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REV 9 - FIFTH TRUMPET BRINGS FIRST TERROR
(Just reads like a headline.)
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6 Here come the locusts. From the smoke they rise, with the power to sting like scorpions. 2 They're told not to hurt grass, plant or tree: just people. They're told not to kill the people. Instead, the locusts must torture the people and make them beg to die for five months.
(I wonder. Jack Van Impe, Pat Robinson: what makes them giggly about the rapture? Is it ascension or the level of payback? Maybe a bit of both.)
3 Now I've heard interpretations of the locusts ranging from demons to Apache
Helicopters. But here's the description in its whole...
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"The locusts looked like horses armed for battle. They had gold crowns on their heads, and they had human faces. Their hair was long like the hair of a woman, and their teeth were like the teeth of a lion. They wore armor made of iron, and their wings roared like an army of chariots rushing into battle." (REV 9:7)
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4 I've got another biblical like monster for you. Homer Simpson's dogs. "The killer dogs with killer bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you."
5 If there's ever a quadruped robot that shoots smart bullets, remember, Homer saw it coming.
6 It's an imagining. You can spend all day speculating what the locusts could be. 7 In turn, you could spend that day inventing your own imaginings that can be associated with all sorts of future thingees to come. 8 Pile a bunch of symbols together, it will relate to something eventually. (Just a "how to" on being your own prophet.)
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"The first terror is past, but look, two more terrors are coming." (REV 9:12)
Keep them hooks coming.
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SIXTH TRUMPET BRINGS SECOND TERROR
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7 Rarely do I hear about this part and never in its actual form. Maybe cause it is so out of place.
2 Sixth angel blows sixth trumpet. A voice speaks to him. "Release the four angels who are bound at the Euphrates
River."
Huh?
I... I didn't know there were four angels bound at the Euphrates River.
Hey, why not, what are they going to do?
3 Lead an army of 200 million mounted troops and kill one-third of the human race.
"Doh," says Homer.
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4 Description of the army:
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"The riders wore armor that was fiery red and sky blue and yellow. The horses' heads were like the heads of lions, and fire and smoke and burning sulfur billowed from their mouths."
(REV 9:17)
"One-third of all the people on earth were killed by these three plagues - by the fire and the smoke and the burning sulfur that came from the mouth of these horses. Their power was in their mouths, but also in their tails. For their tails had heads like snakes."
(REV 9:18-19)
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I guess you could relate that to a helicopter too.
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5 Now notice this following paragraph:
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"But the people who did not die in these plagues still refused to turn from their evils deeds. They continued to worship demons and idols made of gold, silver, bronze, stone and wood - idols that neither see nor hear nor walk!
And they did not repent of their murders or their witchcraft or their immorality or their thefts." (REV 9:20-21)
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6 REV 9:20 is a common statement in the bible. But it is unique that this is the first time that it's said in revelations. Notice too that the prophecy is starting to really ramble.
7 Horses with lion heads and snake head tails? This is getting pretty close to Homer's bee-spitting dogs.
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REV 10 - THE ANGEL AND THE SMALL SCROLL
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8 John sees another mighty angel: face like the sun, feet like pillars of fire (rocket boots.) He stands with one foot on the sea and one on the water, and unrolls a small scroll. 2 He shouts, the "seven thunders" answer. (Why seven?
As in seven lamp stands, eyes, horns, scrolls, and trumpets? Cause it all relates to the seven churches. Or John's in a rut.)
3 The seven thunders spoke but John is not allowed to write it down. "Keep secret what the seven thunders said," says the angel with the rocket boots.
4 But I can tell you. They said, "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty - the one who always was, who is, and who is still to come. He is the Alpha and the Omega, king of kings, glories of glories (edited for time.)"
5 The angel swears an oath in the name of the one who lives forever and ever, who created heaven and every... God.
6 The angel gives the scroll to John and commands him to eat it. Cause that's what they do in heaven: eat paper... also called manna. He warns him though, that the scroll will taste like honey but make his stomach sour. 7 And, surprise, it tastes like honey and makes his stomach sour.
8 Now that's all knowing.
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REV 11 - THE TWO WITNESSES
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9 John is given a measuring stick and is told to, "Go measure the Temple of God and the altar, and count the worshipers. 2 But don't measure the outer courtyard (the big part of the cave), for it has been turned over to the nations."
3 You might notice that John never bothered to set the stage on any of this. But, don't worry, if you're confused now, just wait.
4 Enter "my two witnesses" who are the just added two olive trees and two lampstands that stand before the Lord of all the earth.
ME 2:1
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5 What happened to seven? Everything's seven, sometimes four. Well, okay...
7:4:2... 2+2=4... Ooooh, the connections. Who knows, it may add up to 666.
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6 I wouldn't ask the witnesses though. For, you see, "If anyone tries to harm them, fire flashes from the mouths of the prophets and consumes their enemies." I'm telling you, the bee-spitting dogs are coming.
7 The two prophets have the power to shut the sky so that no rain will fall.
(Which they can't use because the sky has already been "rolled up like a scroll and taken away." ME 4:3, REV 6:14.) They have the power to turn the rivers and oceans into blood. And they have the power to send every plague upon the earth as often as they wish.
So these guys were really popular with the masses.
Just to digress again. This is what follows...
REV 11:7 - "When they complete their testimony..."
Webster - testimony: 1 a statement made under oath to establish a fact 2 any declaration 3 any form of evidence; proof
Not sending plagues upon the planet. Not turning water into blood. Not shutting the sky. And definitely not burning people alive with bees... I mean fire coming out of your mouths.
And, even if this proves anything, don't you think it was already proven all the other times BEFORE? (REV 4-9.) You're not proving your existence by now. People know your there. They just don't like you. Sorry, sometimes you just can't beat people enough.
And what is with turning water into blood? It's like God's TPing trees. Every apocalyptic disaster, some body of water has got to be turned into blood. If you keep it up, you'll forget how many times you did it.
I'm done.
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8 So, when the two prophets complete their "testimony," the beast that comes up out of the bottomless pit will declare war against them. He will conquer and kill them. The people will celebrate their death.
9 Guess they didn't like being tormented by plagues and bloody water. Heathens.
10 Then God shouts, "Come up here!" And the two prophets stand and rise to heaven... because they're just so wonderful.
11 In the same hour there was a terrible earthquake which kills 7,000 people.
Those who survive were terrified and gave glory to God.
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SEVENTH TRUMPET BRINGS THIRD TERROR
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10 Seventh angel blows that seventh trumpet and loud voices shouted in heaven,
"The whole world has now become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he will reign forever and ever." (11:15 REV)
2 The twenty-four elders fell on their faces (since that's all they ever do) and say, "The nations were angry with you, but now the time of your wrath has come."
3 Cause before God was... you know... just getting warmed up. Especially since the world is now the kingdom of the Lord and is no longer angry with him.
4 They also say it's time to judge the dead and reward God's servants and "destroy all who have caused destruction on the earth."
Would that include the two prophets?
5 Then, in heaven, the Temple of God was opened: lightning, thunder, hailstorm, earthquake!
(Can never have enough earthquakes... or blood water.)
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