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Revelations Theatre 3000
FIGHTING ABSURDITY WITH ABSURDITY
6
THE SEVEN BOWLS
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REV 15
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14 Seven angels are holding the seven last plagues. (Thank God, we're back to 7. I was about to panic.)
2 John sees a crystal sea mixed with fire, with all those who were victorious over the beast standing on it. I suppose those harvested by the first sickle.
3 They had harps and were singing songs of Moses, "Great and marvelous are (edited for time.)"
4 From God's smoking temple, the seven angels holding the bowls of the seven plagues came from the temple. The four living beings (you know, the holy creatures with eyes all over their bodies), hand the seven angels the seven bowls of God's wrath. (Found in aisle 10 of God's WrathMart.)
(Noticed something? The above isn't my typo. It's Revelations. REV 15:5-7. Or at least this translation's...
Not to criticize either, everybody makes typos, even God.) |
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REV 16
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15 The angels empty their bowls...
2 First angel pours his bowl: horrible, malignant sores break out on everyone with the mark of the beast.
3 Second angel pours his bowl: the sea turns to blood. Again with the blood water! But this time the blood is of a corpse and everything in the sea dies.
4 Third angel pours his bowl: all the rivers and springs turned to blood. The angel who has authority over all water (how pagan) says it's just and right. Heaven dittos.
5 Fourth angel pours his bowl: it causes the sun to scorch everyone with fire.
6 0kay, remember ME 4:2-3. The sky is gone. The sun is black. Everybody is living underground.
Who's getting scorched?
But who cares, all those burned curse God for sending the plagues.
Just can't beat people enough.
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7 Fifth angel pours his bowl: it throws the beast's kingdom into darkness. Third times a charm (ME 4:2, ME 5:6.) 8 Still, despite teeth grinding anguish, the people still curse God and refuse to repent from their evil ways.
9 Okay, back when this was written, Nero was having a wonderful time with Christians: murdering them for fun and the like. That's evil.
10 If Revelations is still to come, what are we doing that's so evil now? In context with the text, all nations will apparently revert back to the barbarism of ethnic cleansing (killing all Christians and such.) Draw your own conclusions as to how.
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11 Sixth angel pours his bowl... This one's unique.
12 The sixth plague dries up the great Euphrates River (Darn! No more blood water!)
13 This allows the kings of the east to march their armies westward without hindrance. Yeah, nothing scarier than a bunch of diseased, burnt dudes limping their way to war.
Unless Revelations is localized...
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14 Then John saw three evil frogs leap from the mouths of the dragon, the beast, and the false prophet (Beast #2 I suppose.) 15 These are miracle-working frogs that gather all rulers to battle against the Lord. (Never thought I'd put God and magical toads in the same sentence. But, hey, it is the end.)
16 But, okay, that REV 13 story is picking up again. Dark symbols, biblical scale wars: this is the good stuff.
Now the seventh angel pours his bowl...
A shout from heaven declares, "It is finished!" (Though not really.)
17 With thunder and lightning came the greatest earthquake in human history. It levels all the cities and splits Babylon into three pieces. (Again... Babylon just keeps popping in there recently. It's as if Babylon was the great after-thought.)
18 God remembers Babylon and all its sins. No point in cluing us in.
But he makes her (Babylon) drink the wine of God's wrath (aisle 7 of WrathMart.)
19 And every island and mountain was leveled.
Huh?
Remember ME 4:4, REV 6:14? You know, when all the islands and mountains were leveled already. It does take billions of years to make those. 20 So, you'd think that a complete flattening of the earth could only happen just once.
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21 But whatever... What follows is a terrible hailstorm with 75 lbs. hailstones. They cursed God for the hailstorm. Cause, well, in Revelations, earthquakes are everyday. The hailstorm is actually something kind of different.
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REV 17
The Great Prostitute
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16 Okay, we reverted back to plagues, but that's expected. This is God's revenge. 2 We're still in the REV 13 frame of the story. And, in a way, it does continue... with Babylon. (Don't ask why Babylon is suddenly so important. It just is.)
3 One of the seven angels who poured the seven plagues takes John to the wilderness. There, he shows the judgment to befall the Great Prostitute. (Yet another brand new symbol flying in from out of the blue. It's prophecy. But, the Great Prostitute does refer to Babylon.... I think.)
4 This is the symbol of the Great Prostitute...
5 A woman sits on a scarlet beast with seven heads and ten horns. She sits on all waters (i.e. - all the blood.)
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6 Details: The woman wore purple and scarlet clothing and jewelry of gold, precious gems and pearls. She held a gold goblet full of obscenities and impurities. 7 A name is scrolled on her forehead, "Babylon the Great, Mother of All Prostitutes and Obscenities of the World."
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8 As the angel explains....
9 The woman is indeed the great city that rules over the kings of the earth: Babylon.
10 The waters she sits on represent masses of people of every nation and language.
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11 The beast is "the beast" presumably but with its description defined.
12 The seven heads: represent the seven hills of the city where this woman rules.
13 The seven heads also: represent seven kings.
Five kings have fallen.
The sixth now reigns.
The seventh has yet to come. But his reign will be brief.
14 The scarlet beast: is the eighth king.
15 The ten horns: will reign with the beast and give all power and authority to him in order to battle the lamb.
16 The ten crowns on the horns: (We're sorry, this REV 13 symbol is no longer being used. Please forget that it was ever apart of the original beast symbol.) Or maybe this is a whole new beast after all. Justify and speculate all you like.
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17 The beast was alive but isn't now. But he will come out of the bottomless pit and go to eternal destruction. The people who belong to this world will be amazed by his reappearance.
18 The beast and the ten kings will war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will defeat them.
19 The beast and the kings hate the prostitute. They will strip her naked, devour her flesh and burn her remains.
20 For God will put a plan into their minds.
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(To think, T.S. Elliot turned this into a children's fable.)
21 And hey, since it's all been explained, might as well just wrap it up.
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