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Revelations Theatre 3000
FIGHTING ABSURDITY WITH ABSURDITY
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THIS IS THE END
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REV 18
BABYLON HAS FALLEN!
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17 That's what an angel of great splendor announces: "Babylon is fallen!"
2 The rest of the fairly long REV 18 is the angel damning and cursing Babylon.
3 She's a hideout for demons and evil spirits. Nations have drunk her wine. Rulers have slept with her. Merchants have prospered from her.
4 Her sins are piled as high as heaven. She deserves a double penalty from God (how technical.) Match her pleasure with torment.
5 She will be consumed by fire. The worldly will mourn over her chard remains, including all the rulers despite that they hate her ME 16:19. They will cry, "All your fancy things are gone forever!"
REV 18:17 2nd sentence:
"And all the shipowners and captains of the merchant ships and their crews will stand at a distance."
(Everybody's still underground - ME 4:3. All the water of the earth is like the blood of a corpse - ME 15:3-4. Yet, there are still shipowners and captains. Just no stopping some people, I guess. I told you. Do the blood water too many times, you'll forget how many times you did it.)
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6 Above all else, she had it coming. For she was the one who slaughtered God's people all over the world. (Not the beast. Not anyone mentioned before REV 14. Just Babylon.)
7 But it is fun to see a symbol grow: from a single but final mention ME 13:4, to a thing only God knows ME 15:18, to devoted chapters ME 16 and 17. Oh, how fast symbols mature.
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REV 19
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18 Praise God, Hallelujah, praise his friends, the elders, the believers, the servants, the valets... everyone who made all this possible.
2 The time for the wedding feast of the Lamb has come. Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding feast of the Lamb. (........ Okay!)
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THE RIDER ON THE WHITE HORSE...
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3 Heaven opened...
4 A white horse stood there, its rider was named Faithful and True. He judges fairly and goes to war.
5 He has the standard symbols: glowing eyes, many crowns, dipped in blood, sword coming out of his mouth. The good stuff.
6 And some extras...
7 Like his name... Faithful and True... No. REV 19:12 says the name was written on him but only he knew what it meant. That's not right, REV 19:13 says his title is the Word of God.
8 Hold on, hold on... His title is the Word of God, that "Word" is Faithful and True, but only the rider knows what it means. Hah!
9 That's why the title on his robe and thigh is "King of kings and Lord of lords." REV 19:16 Damn!
10 The armies of heaven, dressed in white and riding white horses followed him.
11 He struck down nations, ruled them with an iron rod (another favorite), and used God's blue light special people crusher (the winepress of God's wrath.)
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Well, since REV 13, it was bound to happen...
Armies of the BEAST vs.
Guy on white horse...
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12 Good enough! The Beast has gathered his armies to fight against the guy and his armies. Hell yah. This is it. The big, numero uno, end time battle... Satan vs. God! Good vs. Evil! Let's get ready to rum...
13 Their entire army was killed by the sharp sword from his mouth. REV 19:21
Th... That's it? All this long winded writing with plagues, curses, praises, and you can't write out one fight? REV 13 got me worked up for this?
14 Both the beast and the false prophet (Beast #2) are thrown alive into the lake of fire that burns with sulfur. And the vultures gorge on their dead armies.
15 The end.
Well, not quite. Still got the dragon.
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REV 20...
THE THOUSAND YEARS.
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19 John sees an angel bound the dragon - the old serpent, the devil, Satan - in chains for a thousand years. Satan could not deceive the nations for this time.
2 Quick question! What nations? The cities have been leveled - ME 15:17. The Faithful have been gathered - ME 13:7. The armies of the world are vulture food. No real water. No real land. Hey, no real sky either. What the hell is left to build a nation on?
3 Hey, maybe there's twenty guys huddled in a cave somewhere being called a nation. Who knows?
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4 Well, all the martyred Christians and those who denied the beast are resurrected and they reign with Christ. Together, they get to have a happy, happy, joy, joy just Christian world for a thousand years.
5 After the thousand years, Satan's released. He goes out and deceives all the nations... You know, all twenty guys in the cave.
6 He deceives all the nations from every corner of the earth. All two corners: Gog and Magog. He gathers them all into an army as numberless as the sands.
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(Where's he getting all these people? Didn't we go through all this with the beast? 7 The beast seduced the world, turned them into an army, and they were all obliterated. Now Satan seduces the world, turns them into an army and will be... I won't ruin it.)
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8 But... REV 20:9 "I saw them as they went up on the broad plain of the earth..." (Hey, John remembered that the earth was flattened... twice.)
9 So anyway, Satan's great army (bonus round world army) surrounds God's people and the beloved city (Yet another important "city" never before mentioned but now seemingly so critical to the story... Just know it's definitely not Babylon.)
10 But fire from heaven consumed them. (Bet you didn't see that one coming.)
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THE SECOND DEATH
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11 Well, almost done. There's still the last clean-up.
12 The dead of the world stand before God and, via the Book of Life, are judge. They were all judged according to their deeds. REV 20:13
13 Death and the grave were thrown into the lake of fire. Anyone whose name was not found in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death - the lake of fire. (The first being the resurrection.)
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14 So, after the heathens have been burned, crushed, devoured, poisoned, plagued and even "wine-pressed" to death, they're finally dumped into a lake of fire to be tormented forever and ever. (This is to make sure they never forget Christianity is the religion of peace and love.)
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Doesn't matter...
Because now it's time for this story's happy ending...
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