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Revelations Theatre 3000
FIGHTING ABSURDITY WITH ABSURDITY
8
A Shining New Jerusalem
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REV 21
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20 There was then a new heaven and a new earth. And the sea was also gone. 2 Then John saw the new Jerusalem come down from heaven.
"Look, the home of God is now among his people... He will remove all of their sorrows, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever."
3 And the one on the throne says...
"It is finished! I am the Alpha and (edited for time.)"
4 Another one of the seven angels with the bowls of God's wrath shows John the bride of the Lamb: the new Jerusalem.
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THE NEW JERUSALEM!
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5 First and foremost... It's filled with the glory of God.
6 Clear as jasper, it has twelve gates (three on each side) guarded by twelve angels representing the twelve tribes of Israel. 7 Measured with a golden ruler, you'll find it is 1,400 miles (12,000 stadia) cubed. One-fifth the size of the Earth, the kingdom stretches 1,100 miles beyond Earth's common atmosphere and well into cold, dead space. (So, remember to bring your Christian Cosmo Suits.)
8 Walls made of jasper, the city is pure gold, as clear as glass. 9 And the foundation is inlaid with twelve gems (representing the twelve...): jasper, sapphire, agate, emerald, onyx, carnelian, chrysolite, beryl, topaz, chrysoprase, jacinth, and amethyst.
10 Each of the twelve gates were carved from a single pearl. And the main street is pure gold, as clear as glass. (Don't look at me, this is what it's saying.)
11 No need for a sun or moon here, for God illuminates and the Lamb is the light. (And, yes, those are two separate jobs.)
12 The nations of the earth will walk in its light and the rulers of the world will come and bring their glory to it. Nothing evil will be allowed to enter.
Wait...
13 The old world and its evils are gone forever. ME 20:1. All the sea is gone (water = life.) 14 All the nations and rulers of the world have been destroyed again and again (ME 18:14, ME 19:9-10.) They've even been raised from the dead to be destroyed ONE LAST TIME (second death - ME 19:13-14.)
Yet they're still there! People are indeed cockroaches! At least in this text...
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REV 22
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21 The angel shows John a pure river with the water of life coursing down the center of the main street. 2 On each side a tree of life with twelve kinds of fruit grew. The leaves used as medicine to heal the nations.
(Well, yeah, after being obliterated and now living on a lifeless rock with no atmosphere, no water, and no sun those nations are going to need a lot of healing.)
3 No longer will anything be cursed. And God and the lamb will reign forever.
(Please note that nothing within the new Jerusalem will be cursed. However, as defined above, everything outside is divinely fucked.)
JESUS IS COMING!
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"Look, I am coming soon..." REV 22:7
"See, I am coming soon..." REV 22:12
"Yes, I am coming soon!" REV 22:20
4 Okay, by who's calendar are we defining "soon?" Soon by geological time? Cause it's really soon still by geological time. Even too soon actually. You know, you got to wait another few thousand years to get to plain old "soon."
5 Still debatable...
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Whatever... Let's end it with an up note.
"If anyone adds anything to what is written here, God will add to that person the plagues described in this book. And if anyone removes any of the words of this prophetic book, God will remove that person's share in the tree of life."
REV 22:18
6 Got to love them ancient curses.
Hell, those are fun. So, here's one of my own.
7 If anyone criticizes this book, they will receive the gum disease gingivitis.
And a hornet will gouge out their eyeballs.
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